I don’t know what to do :(

Sometimes I can’t say what I want for my life, my grades are terrible, every essay I write Comes back to me with a hurtful grade, then I cry until my face is bright red and I can’t breathe… I’m not fashionable, I don’t play a sport, I’m not popular, and you would think since I barely have friends I would have enough time to perfect my grades, however even that has returned to me void, I don’t know how else to vent to. I war to be a food Christian, I know no one is perfect I want to please God, I can’t please myself, I want a start over button, I wish I never, I wish I did, I should have, I could’ve done it faster, I should have waited. What can I do? Who could ever relieve me of my grief but me? But I can’t because I just can’t… I don’t want to and I wish I had… Hadn’t. No one understands.

I’m trying to get use to amazing Grace… It’s not an easy thing ya know?

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I had to take a step back an ask myself,

Are you being an example, if you and God sat back and rewind and reflected, would you be proud?

Do you demonstrate a virtuous wife? are you someone who is worthy of a virtuous man? or am I worth of any man?

Is God sending you opportunities to witness and love on others to be set apart, are you too busy loving on yourself and following the grain of others?

Do you spend more time trying to better yourself in the eyes of man rather than the eyes of God?

Does you money go towards him? Things that glorify him? the first 10 percent, does it go to gas or God?

Are positively embracing others, or are you negatively judging them at the first sign of poor behavior to your standards?

Are your friends praising and worshiping the same God as you? or are you both creating a man made God to worship and spend time with.

Is the Lord the first one you head to at the face of adversity, or do you confide in a friend with no biblical knowledge for worldly advice?

Are you listening to the Holy Spirit within you? Or is it even there anymore?

Can you hear his Voice? or do you hear empty whispers of temptation?

Are you committed to the most high? Or do you follow the most popular?

Are the Words of your mouth and the meditations of your heart acceptable in his sight or yours?

Am I a Christian, 

I realized NONE of these questions were answered the way they should be, and I am almost sure if I died at this time, I’d A) Go to Hell or B) Be called home early, with the possibility of having burnt offerings in heaven, what was once a strong voice and feeling on conviction, progressively fell to a faint whisper and feeling of justification.

I had to change, and that I did…